As the night creeps in ... as usual I suffer without a sleep... my eyes wide open... my brain wide open... I wish I have some valium pills with me...I take out few books to study ... after few lines I throw them down on the floor... I make my self a large peg of bourbon..then another... then another.... Sleep doesnt comes .... I feel like I am suffering from insomnia... I count sheep.... 100 ....101....102... but that doesnt help... sips in more whisky... turn the computer on.... and enters gossip... few salutation to regular chatters... few tits bits with friends... groaning to immature chatters... peoples are all different... I kill few of my moments... clocks ticks 2 am... utter silence... except the fan of the computer.... I hate when it is soooo silent....quick look all the things in my room.... nothing more than all life less things... open the window and light a cigarette...I remember a voice.... she used to tell me ... she likes how I look when I have a cigarette on my lips... although she hates me smoking... She thinks that gives me manly appearance......with cigarette on my lips.... I remember how she use to ask me to give up habit of smoking.... how she was concern about my health.... she..... I remember .... she... I lit another cigarette.... I remember the day when we first met.... the day when we first kissed.... the day when we were happy .... when we were mad... days .... those days ... when she was soooo mine...when I was sooo hers.

The hot sensation on my fingers makes me realise that my cigarette has burnt till the filter tips.... throw the bud... and take one long sip...my mind wonders where is she now.... what must be she doing now....is she even alive or dead.... so many years have passed by ... and I have no news....Betrayal .... so much punishment for betrayal.... I was the one who betrayed her.... so why so much pain .... when the path to pain was chosen by myself....She was there innocent... cute ... little darling... and what I did.... stole those smiles from her lips... and poured water on her eyes.....cool wind blows over me... and with it even my heart shakes... the feeling of guilt roses...I try to console myself... no its the condition ... its timeframe... its the environment... I make thousand excuses to console myself.....I cry out loud ... you will also do the same if you were me..... that last console ...which my head and heart doesnt accepts... I have run.... run sooo far away like a coward... nope not like a coward... I am the coward.... run sooo far away that now I am all alone...in the strange land... how I wish I only know that you are okay...that you are not sick.... that you hate me ...

There is sudden thundershower ..... it rains heavily.... nope its much more heavy than rain ...nope its not rain drop.... instead of raindrops... gold fish are dropping from sky.... I can see that.... how those fishes are hit hard on the cement floor of my veranda...it drops thousands in number...and my heart beats hard .... is she dead....nope she cant....or is she.....have no place to confirm it.....

I close the windows of my room.... and open the window of the hub...I want to get out of all those memories.... before I drift far over... anything.... is okay now.... I just randomly click few pages in hub...any page is okay for me now... happens to land on pages with a poem from oopsie.... I light my cigarette....... and next page... from shakku... Dead heart...those poems pass right through the place where it hurts most...as if I know ... as if I am alive... in those words...... after reading those two page.... I know I have no strength to read other pages.... I know .... tonight like those other night.... I am not gonna sleep.....Sleep doesnt comes .... I feel like I am suffering from insomnia...I count sheep.... 1000 ....1001....1002... but that doesnt help...I know tomorrow I have to clean my veranda ..... have to clear lots of gold fishes!!!!!